Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Wanted - Children's Author...

Anyone interested in the following  advert from the little known publication -
"Guide to jobs that everyone wants but hardly anyone ever gets."?


We are looking for a very special person to fulfill this important role, they should display the following characteristics;

Imagination, creativity, determination, patience and perseverance with a certain amount of desperation thrown in.

Ideally the candidate should be very hard working, self motivated, thick skinned and willing to keep going despite the challenges facing them.

Job Role - We are looking for someone to create something entirely unique that at the same time is well known. It must be well written, funny, exciting, scary and brilliant. Unfortunately we can offer you no guidelines as to what we actually want because we don't know that until we see it.
 You will submit your work to us when you feel it is up to standard and we will get back to you at some point when we feel like it. We will probably reject 95% of everything you send us with little or no feedback but we will expect you to keep submitting work until we  feel you have written something truly spectacular.
 If on the rare occasion you manage to write something that is any good we will agree to your proposal and then ask you to take it away and revise it until we feel it is ready.
 At this point it will be looked at by others and may still be rejected if they don't like it, feel it won't sell or won't make us any money.
 We will then expect you to go away and write something else even better.

Hours of Work - 
You should write whenever you can, including evenings, weekends and holidays. You should stay up late and wake up early and be prepared to give up on all social engagements and family time for the foreseeable future.

Remuneration -
 For this difficult and thankless task we will probably pay you exactly nothing. You must be prepared to cover all your expenses, including any courses, conferences or events you attend. If you manage to produce something that sells we will pay you a small amount but probably not enough to cover all the hours of work you've put in. 

Career Opportunities - 
There are many exciting possibilities open to you if your work is popular but the chances of this happening are rare and growing smaller. If you do produce something that can be sold you will then be expected to work even harder. Your new role will involve; revising the book, meeting with editors and agents, attempting to gain publicity through social networking sites, visiting schools and libraries and attending literary events. Of course you must also start writing the next book at the same time and now you will have a deadline to meet as well as huge expectations to live up to.

 How To Apply -

 We are expecting a  vast amount of applicants for this job but the good news is that it's open to everyone regardless of experience, talent, skills or any knowledge of writing at all. We will provide no training but expect everyone to learn on the job. 
 If you think you have what it takes to be a writer then all you have to do is write a book! Send it to us  at wannabewriters@you' and we will do our best to get back to you within eight weeks or possibly never.

Good luck!

 Is it weird that I still think it sounds like an amazing job? ;)


  1. This should be tacked at the end of every rejection letter.

    1. What are the chances they'll pay me for using it Mark? ;)

  2. More awesomeness from Lorraine – thank you Lorraine! As a first-time novelist I'm at sea, with my own special version of the existential dilemma (I'm everything/I am nothing), as I vacillate wildly between thinking that my writing is really quite good and thinking it's so laughably bad I should hide under the duvet. My favorite thing about your job description above is how you describe the expectation (on the part of "the system") that we should pour everything into the work, the observation that we do so with oblivious enthusiasm, and the tremendous disconnect between that effort and expected rewards. Great stuff. You are my angst mentor.

    1. Hi Sheila, thanks so much for your comments. Believe me I have spent much time hiding under the duvet;)
      I'm not sure if it ever gets any easier or if we just grow numb to the pain but at least we're all in it together. Good luck! x

  3. LOL. Been there, done that, still there, doing it - and loving it, too. Thanks, Lorraine - and good luck to everyone out there applying for the job :-)

    1. You have to love it Jane otherwise we'd probably all be certified insane! Thanks for commenting!