Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Are you cut out to be a children's writer? Find out today!

Well are you?
Only one way to find out for sure - take my patented superquiz!
Yes, after months (minutes?) of research I have  formulated a test that will tell you whether you have what it takes to be a children's writer. Just answer the simple multiple choice questions and discover if you're destined to hit the bestseller charts or if you'd be better off retraining in accountancy or yak farming.

Question 1
How do you feel about children?

a) I love and adore them, each one is a little miracle and I would be both  honored and privileged to share my writing with them.

b) I'm a firm believer that kids should be seen and not heard. My books are designed to teach them the old fashioned values I myself grew up with.

c) They're horrid little monsters but they should be easy to write for because they're too stupid to know if something's any good or not.

Question 2
How imaginative are you?

a) Very! I'm always making up stories in my head and spend lots of time lost in an imaginary world.

b) Imagination! New fangled poppycock in my opinion that's led to the collapse of western civilisation. Discipline that's what every child needs and my books would provide it.

c) I'm very imaginative. I can imagine just what I'll do with all the money I'll earn when my children's books get published.

Question 3
What's your favourite children's book?

a) Oh it's so hard to choose! Something by Roald Dahl perhaps?

b) Enid Blyton. Although she was a bit lackadaisical on discipline. I'm sure I could do better.

c) Children's book? I've never read any. They're all the same aren't they?

Question 4
Do you think it will be easy to get published in the current climate?

a) I could self publish if I wanted to but I'd like to try mainstream first if I can and see how I get on. It won't be easy and it might take years but I'm determined to keep trying.

b)Well, it should be easy if you have a quality product like my own. I just hope the publishers aren't too stupid to see talent when it's under their nose.

c) Climate? You mean like when it's cold outside? Can't imagine why that should matter, I'm bound to be published straight away summer or winter. My stuffs much better then most of the s**t around. Not that I've read any but still, how hard can it be?

Question 5
Are you prepared to promote your work using social media like facebook and twitter?

a) I'd rather be able to spend my time writing but I understand how important it is to self promote so I'm prepared to give it a go.

b) Facebook? Isn't that what they use in police stations so you can pick out the criminals?

c) Why should I? The publishers should do all that b******s for me. I've got better things to do with my time. Like spending all the money I earn!

Question 6
How do you think you'll cope with rejection?

a) I'm sure it's not very nice but it's something every writer has to cope with so I'll just have to get used to it because I'm not giving up.

b) I'm sure that no one will reject me after I've turned up at their office, barricaded the door and read them my entire manuscript. If they're too stupid to see quality when it's pointing a gun at them then it's their own fault.

c) What rejection? I keep telling you my stuff is quality. It took me hours to write. Like, at least two.

Question 7
Would you be interested in joining a critique group to help improve your writing?

a) I think it would be great to meet like minded people and have their input in my work.

b) No. Other people are generally idiots and I wouldn't waste my time on their paltry efforts.

c) You mean let other people nick my ideas? No way. besides there's nothing to improve I keep telling you!

Question 8
Why do you want to be a children's writer?

a) It's been my lifelong dream!

b) Because children need to be taught how to behave. Their parents are obviously too stupid to do it so my books will give them a chance of turning out halfway decent.

c) So I can earn millions and become famous of course. What other reason is there?

 Okay then, count up and see if you've answered mostly a's, b's or c's and then check your results below.

Mostly A's 
Congratulations, you have a great chance of getting published one day!

Mostly B's 
Umm, accountancy might be fun?

Mostly C's 
Just go away please, you're very annoying and would benefit from ten years yak farming in Timbuctoo.


  1. Oh dear, it's a good job I like yaks ;-)

    1. I've heard that Timbuctoo is lovely this time of year! ;) x

  2. Damn, I'm in the wrong business. Bit late to change now...