Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Philosophy for Writers

Writing isn't easy.
Getting published is even harder.
But never fear people, I am here with a whole list of ways to help
you be philosophical  about a writing life.
Pick one of these and all your troubles will be over!*

(*the author accepts no responsibility for any harm that comes to you or others through using these techniques. Nor are any actual promises made as to the success or failure of your writing or the trouble freeness of your life)

Philosophy Number One

Confidence  Arrogancius Pluribus Maximus - 

 Perfect if you think your work is stupendous and the whole world needs to read it. After every rejection you receive simply rail at their sheer stupidity, write aggressive blog posts and send furious emails. The best part of this philosophy is that you can die convinced that you've been unappreciated in your own time and that only when you've gone will your genius be discovered.

Philosophy Number Two

Goddicus Fateicus

 Take the view that nothing is in your hands or in your control. Don't worry about whether your book is any good because it doesn't matter. If it's meant to be it will happen. If it's not then it won't. You have no influence on any of it so why worry?

Philosophy Number Three

Superstitious Extremus

You control everything. Your lucky knickers and special bendy pen can make the difference between success or failure. As long as you follow your special routine of writing on a Wednesday between three and four in the morning while wearing your wellies and singing "Paperback Writer" by the Beatles then your work is guaranteed to be lauded by all. 
Then all you have to do is send it off on the 3rd Tuesday when the moon is rising in Pluto, to any agents whose names begin with the letter P and are born in September while chanting Celtic nursery rhymes and you're bound to be snatched off the slush pile.
If not then it must have be the fault of that black cat that crossed your path or the ladder you walked under. 

Philosophy Number Four

Superious Stalkerific

  Basically if you have stalker tendencies this is the one for you. It's based on the idea that what you write isn't as important as who you know. What you must do is use the internet and social networks to find every agent and publisher you can. Then ignore their submission guidelines.
 Instead find out where they are, hang around outside their offices, gatecrash parties, linger around the loos and whenever possible force your manuscript into their hands. That way they're bound to read it and hey presto you'll be published before you know it.
 Your other option in case they all take out a restraining order on you (and they probably will) is to try meeting other writers and telling them how brilliant your work is in comparison to theirs. They're bound to realise (after you harass them for long enough) that their real purpose in life is not to write their own books but to help you get published by passing your manuscript on to their agents and publishers.

Philosophy Number Five

Optimism Overloadus

Of course you'll be published! Your mum and dad said so. And you got a gold star for your story in year five so that proves how good you are. You don't need to read any books or go to any courses. And you don't need feedback from others because you know you're destined to be a writer. All you need to do is keep writing. You've already made it to number seven in your twenty three part series. When you've finished them all you're sure someone will be desperate to publish them.

  That's all I'm covering this week but I hope you find something there that catches your eye. Remember, the right philosophy can make all the difference to your writing life!